Ike Sampson, Jerry Flaherty, and Faulkner Guo

Bryce and I play this game when we're bored where we try to guess the names and deepest desires of random people we see on campus or wherever we are.

When I dropped him off at LA, it was fucking hard cause I don't know too many latino or ethnic names. LA is like level 10 for that game, while UCSD is like beginner level.

UCSD: "Connie Fung. Noah Le. Steven Chiang."
LA: "Holy Fuck that's ah... like a Vijay?...Jose? Monica? Rosa? Guadalupe? Huevos?"

Oh man. And then I start feeling racist so it's no fun. Anyway, since he's at USC I've been emailing him and I wanted to do this thing were we come up with a character profile and a story with it.



So Ike Sampson's got the build of Mr. Rogers. He's old, maybe 55, and he's fixing a huge, 4 ft tall, wide Xerox. The parts are on the floor, and he's adjusting his glasses, drilling when the copier finally makes a noise. Ike's relieved; it's printing something. Is it working? It spits out millions and millions of copies of someones ass, and then prints out a lot of random websites, and then some dirty pictures. He stands there with no facial expression for a couple of beats. He rubs his forehead, slightly frustrated. He sees a pretty girl in the porno picture on the ground. He turns his head to look at it. He then looks around for people, adjusts his glasses, and kneels down to pick it up.

4 hours and 23 minutes earlier a dark room- to suited men turn on the light, it's the same office space. We see Jerry Flaherty (chubby, talll) and Faulkner Guo (nerdy asian guy), and they're sneaking in after work. They come in drunk and recently laid off. Faulker gets on the computer and says he's going to send millions of emails of gay porn to his boss. He actually doesn't get to the gay porn and get stuck, distracted at the regular-old, boobs and pussies porn. Jerry says Oh man print some for me.
...
Next shot they are trying to vandalize the place, but cannot do it because they are too straight-laced. They try to throw papers around but they eventually reason that they are important papers. They eventually just TP one lame plastic topiary in the corner.
...
They try to break the boss's mug but they cant because they're scared. They try, but never let it go. Faulkner says lets test drive it with this other cup. They drop a small random mug, and it makes a loud noise and chips a little. They are terrified and convince themselves maybe there are other things they can do.
...
They try to steal things from other people's desks. Jerry says, oh man i love Angela, I cant steal her post its, she always brings pie on fridays. Faulker says yea, lets get back at Thomas. He's a jackass. They get to Thomas' desk and see pictures of his family in his desk and figure they don't want to steal from him either.
...
They see alcohol in their boss's office. They try to open the locked door. They fail and shrug it off.
...
Jerry and Faulker sit in their adjacent, now empty cubicles.
Jerry says now what. Faulkner says, Man we should have planned this out better.
Jerry's eyes light up. My Porn! he says. He looks at the printer/copier, the same one Ike Sampson was working on. The porn isnt printing. He pounds on it. He opens the copier top. He has no idea how this machine works, actually. Then he gets a great idea.
Wait, I got it! says Jerry. i gotta do this at least once in my life. ooohh man. it's like the movies.
He pulls down his pants.
Faulkner: whoa man. dude, what thing-in-the-movies? Not gay porn, is it
Jerry ignors Faulkner and pulls down his boxers.
F; WHOA MAN, give me a warning at least, Jesus Christ! (he looks away)
Jerry does not mind, he's got one thing he's thinking about. he's climbing to sit on top of the copier. His butt is surprisingly LARGER than the surface of of the copier. you can see his flesh spilling over the top. He tries to look for the copy button but it should be under his fat leg
MAN, Jerrry says, Faulkner! how does this thing work! come here!
Faulner: dude I am going no where near your white ass, Jer.
Jerry: COME on we have done NOTHING today this is IT.
F is reluctant.
Jerry: Seriously. just come over and figure out how to copy my ass.
F thinks about it.
You know what, F says, you're right. All these years (uber long monologue about how it fucking sucked to work here, how its stupid that every time he gets laid off he has to go to a company exactly the same and to the same fucking thing, Jerry urges him on with "Hell yeah"'s and "Amen"s")
He finishes with, "I've kissed so much ass and taken so much shit these years, and if i have to see your ass while i'm doing this, well fuck it! I am a free man now I can choose whose fuckin ass I am dealin with.
Jerry: I am honored to be your friend.
F: I respect you.
J: Me too.
Faulkner lifts up J's leg hesitatingly, presses some buttons. It is all dramatic. The copier starts going! There is light underneath moving! They high five.
The sounds of the copier start... and then...slowly...fade.... The copier dies, crushed a bit under Jerry's weight. they hear a large crack.
...

The next shot they are standing in front of the broken copier, the glass on top cracked, sobered up.

Well. Faulkner says. I think that's good enough.
J pats F's shoulder.

rabbit update 5

Grandpa pops in from the back door into the living room with a big crooked smile.
"Lailai! Our little friend is on time and reporting for duty! Hahaha..."
He goes out again.
I hear him through the door, shooing away the rabbit angrily.